you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
