You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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