i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize