My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
