he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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