Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
