my mouth tastes like poor choices
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
