I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
