I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
