Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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