I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
