I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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