i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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