He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
