Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
