To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Tornado booty call.. dedication
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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