There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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