I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
