I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
