I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
