I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
