my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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