Got a toothbrush?
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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