You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
