I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I party with great urgency now.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
