Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
All I want is dick and wine.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
