If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
