I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
