just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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