I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
