we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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