Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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