I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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