I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize