just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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