I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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