My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
