never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
