I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
