Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
