The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Less talking, more tequila
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
