now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
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