Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
