i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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