Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
