We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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