dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
