hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
