I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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