So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Hippo gnu deer
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
