i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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