walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
