I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
