i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
