bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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