just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
