I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
