the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Panties = found
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
