she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
