fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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