my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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