Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize