Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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