ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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