How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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